9/17/00
Driving to the conference with Joel, his surfboard on the top of the car. We’re on the long and horrible highway 5 and just got back on the road after a bowl of split pea soup at Anderson’s. Joel picked me up from Gavin’s this morning and it was interesting seeing the two of them standing next to each other. Joel seems so bright, his eyes alight with fire and passion for life, and Gavin is like the dark horse, seeming calm but some kind of mischievous darkness lurking under the surface. I just wonder when it will explode.
I just love talking to Joel, it is so easy to communicate, there are no eggshells, the conversation just flows with no threatening overtones. I’m glad we decided to go to the beach, and I’m glad that Gavin doesn’t seem to be jealous and supports it. I doubt if I will be able to read this later, moving cars don’t make for legible writing, I guess I’ll stop.
9/18/00
A little sleepy today because of camping insomnia. We got to the beach last night and immediately dove into the water, soul refreshing! So good after an 8 hour ride in the grueling central valley sun. God, I didn’t realize how much I have missed the beach! Something about these Southern California waters that’s like coming home to the womb. It’s too bad I don’t like SoCal more than 20 yards inland. But the beach, oh such an aching longing to never leave the beach…
Joel and I stopped at VG's Donuts a few minutes ago and bought a huge bag full of heart attacks to munch on, and now we are down at Black’s Beach and Joel is surfing. He wants me to be his witness so I’ll make a feeble attempt at recording what I see as I see it:
Joel’s Witness:
Warm fog obscures the clarity
Sand plovers, pelicans
Misty cliffs in a U
Surround pounding waves
Joel paddles through the rough shore
Finds a calm patch beyond the surf
And waits
Like a string on a fine tuned instrument
He senses the coming of the wave
This is it!
His spirit flares as he turns and faces me
He raises his arms as if to say
“Totally Tubular!”
And turns back to the horizon
Other surfers all facing to the West
Heads bobbing up and down
What’s this?
Joel in a tube!
He dives off the board
Into the drink
He becomes a slinky dolphin
Rising up and out of the water
And in a split second, mounted
Facing the horizon
A true Pisces.
Fog thickens, he is a misty silhouette
In a golden white backdrop.
I watch
He waits
His inner strings vibrate
Again, he senses The One!
He begins to rise on the wave
Alas, not this one…
Back through the wave
He faces West again
And waits
Near me, small birds flock
Running across the sand
In little minute feet.
They stop to stick their pointy
Sharp beaks into sand crab palaces
And run off into the mist
To loot some other unsuspecting home.
The cliffs are shadowy figures
Sloughing off shrouds
As the glow through the fog
Shines to bright gold
And the sun makes its ascension
Over the Eastern hills.
The birds come running back
They are one in their motions
Until all leave and one is
Left behind, but
The three turn back
To collect the one that was left…
I catch a glimpse of Joel
He is riding a wave!
He rides for a long time
Then dives into the tunnel
He turns to me
“See? BITCHEN!”
I respond with my arm
“Totally Rad!”
A lone seagull walks by
Picking up a scrap of sandwich
Left yesterday on the beach
I drift off to sleep on the sandy bed.
Pleasant dreams of Gavin
Tingling sensations through my body
Warm and glowing from an inner
Warmth, tingling on my skin…
Awakening suddenly, I am chilled
Goosebumps on my arms and legs
The fog is lifting on the breeze
Things around me are vivid and clear
A road, a pier, the tops of the cliffs
I take a bite of my VG donut
Noticing the exponential growth
Of surfers facing West.
A seaweed covered form arrives on the shore
Dragging his board behind him.
___
Yeah, that’s Doggerel with a capital D but it was what I saw!
What an incredible day, beach beach and more beach. Fish tacos at Rubios, Gavin called, he sounds a little distant, I’m ignoring it, more beach, all day beach. Calling, calling…Me calling my soul back to life that is timeless.
Joel said he was happy to have a babe witnessing his joy from back on the shore. I am dreading the confines of the media conference tomorrow. I want to spend weeks and weeks of todays. I want to walk on the beach forever.
Gavin, you like the beach don’t you?
20 comments:
It is obvious that she would love to enjoy that time with Gavin instead of Joel. I am still waiting (for some time now) to see what makes her loves the guy after all he did to her and to other women. I already mentioned that.
I feel that deep inside she is still waiting for a miracle to happen that justifies her attachment to Gavin.
I liked the description of Joel surfing, the ambiance around her and how she starts gradually to feel good about herself and life around her...
What a wonderful account of that day at the beach!
I want to spend weeks and weeks of todays. I want to walk on the beach forever. - I love this!!!
Yes, you have to explore a little bit more the reasons of her attraction to Gavin. Although, it's difficult because it's her journal so she might not want to reveal these things, not even to herself...
Khaled and Vesper, thank you! I will answer you both with this:
She doesn't know yet the answer that you seek, she only knows she is 'crazy' for him. It is a whole year of journaling for the story to unfold. We are still at the first two weeks! ;-) Be patient dear readers, the layers will be relentlessly peeled back as she tries to figure out the answers and gets to know Gavin more and more intimately.
Does anyone ever really know why they love someone?
I think she loves him, in part, because she couldn't explain it if she tried. There is mystery in that darkness, and endless depths to climb and fall. Joel will never compare, because he is like that surfboard, hoping to capture some waves, but never sinking further into her than some nice, surface grazes.
I loved, loved, loved all the beach observations, Cat. You made my California roots lean westward. ;)
A perfect day...almost.
Cat, the description in here was amazing. I can't help but picture the journal entry if she had been there with Gavin. All of the coming back to life, I think, would have been absent. Or maybe not--there is so much power in the beach. Sometimes I think I married my husband because he took me there on our first date, in the evening, he in a blazer and khakis, me in something black and not at all beach-y, and still even from the sidelines it pulled me...to him. :)
I was reading this like I eat a bowl of ice cream...Slowly, savoring every bite(word), making approving little sounds (mmm, oh man, wow), scraping the bowl(going back over a line two or three times), letting out my breath when I have taken the last bite(read the last word), and going back to the freezer for more(starting at the top again to read it over)!!
Really great writing. Loved the descriptions. I couldn't believe the last line...she is so hung up on Gavin. -
I read an article recently that provides some evidence that girls are attracted to men with a "dark triad" of traits -- impulsiveness, narcissism, and thrill-seeking behaviors. Watching Joel surf (a dolphin, a fish) just doesn't give her that same thrill that being with Gavin does. Why does she love him? Think James Dean. Think HEATHCLIFF!
This entry is wonderfully detailed. It really is a sweet we are eating layer by layer.
Sarah- That's right, she is the cracker to his nutshell. She can not help herself at this point.
Jennifer-That is so sweet and romantic! I could just see you two on that date...
K. It does my heart so good to know you read it like a bowl of ice cream! I think that day was her bowl of ice cream too, except that little hang up part.
Karen- You got it! That is pretty much the axis for her rotation! And it is all unconscious, she just knows she is hooked. Can't exorcise him from her consciousness. Heathcliff..LOVE IT! ;-)
Cat, you're certainly right when you say that she doesn't know the answer yet. And this attraction has a power beyond her and beyond reason. It's true that there's little reason involved when you're "in love". I can perfectly understand the lure of the darkness, of the "bad boy", (I'm not a stranger to it myself) but - if I may - for me at least, what Gavin did to her is unpardonable. For me, rape would be unpardonable.
I must apologise because, obviously, this is not my story and I do not intend, not for one moment, to suggest to you where to go with it. It is a very interesting story because it delves into these obscure realms of the mind and heart. As no two people are alike, no reasons could be alike.
These discussions are a sign - I think - that it's indeed a very good story. I'm very much looking forward to reading more. :-)
Its funny how settings can entwine you with the people you are there with. I love beach settings.
Hi Vesper! I think you bring up a good point about the rape. She may write about that at some point in more detail later, but until then I would ask you to consider whether what you are thinking and what she are thinking that rape is may be vastly different ideas. Also, I think she has always suspected that there were mental issues with him, and knowing he is bipolar rationalizes now his misbehavior in the past to some extent. Partly also, it has to do with her personality type. She seems to live comfortably in shades of gray, where others may require more black and white. I don't want to give away too much more than that tho... I appreciate your feedback very much, it helps me to think about these questions, and I don't want to discourage it.
Aggie, I hope you are buying that place on the beach you posted about a few weeks back, so I can come and do some research (some distant day), on New Zealand beaches! :-)
I love it, Cat! You always keep me on the edge of my seat. I love the description of the beach and the sexual tension. Very intense.
Besides the descriptions, another line I loved was:
"Something about these Southern California waters that’s like coming home to the womb." What a wonderful way to describe that feeling.
I love the journal format. This could be an entire novel. I'll buy it!!
This is a great concept ...a journal within a journal. I think Sara's James Dean comparison sounds right....I wonder if we project our secret desires for adventure and more personal freedom and less responsibility on a man about town and act them out through him...Not sure that is love but it can cause heart racing
Linda
Julie- Thank you so much! From the tips of your fingers, to the eyes of would be publishers my dear. ;-) I would gladly enter a publishing contract to finish this story, but until then it'll come to you in this very slow and unsatisfying way since you have no control over how fast you can turn the pages.
Linda-A journal within a journal, I like that! I think even more than James Dean, a modern day equivalent of Gavin would be Robert Downy Jr., who also happens to be afflicted with bipolar disorder.
I really like the poem. It's so freeing whenever we can write about a moment when we're actually experiencing it. This journal series really captures that feel of immediacy.
Jason- It really is freeing. And that day I think she felt the joys of the present moment in a way that only the beach could give her.
I miss the beach. Gotta get me some beach this summer for sure.
Wow! your description of this day
and especially of Joel-on-the-water
is amazing. Ah, what a dilemma,
Joel or Gavin, or both in a perfect
paradise.
Cynthia-I know! She wants them both. I'm glad you liked the beach description. It was fun to write and makes me want to be at the beach NOW!
catvibe...I can relate to wanting them both...good writing and I can relate to heading out for the beech!
Linda
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