9/5/00
Gavin,
You played me a song, about walking on eggshells. I’m sure there was a lot more to the song, but that was the phrase that grabbed me. I wondered whether you felt as if you were walking on eggshells, or you were feeling like the eggshell, being walked over. In a sense, I did fall into feeling like I was doing that at the end of the weekend. I could feel the thin line you were walking, and my own fear of having my heart stomped on, and broken by you, again.
There is a level of comfort that I slip into with you that is beyond compare. A sort of feeling of fatalistic submission and a sense of freedom that goes along with that. Like what you might feel with a family member, someone who just doesn’t leave your heart. No matter who they are, no matter what their mood, you still love them. I feel that way about you, and at times I think maybe you feel that way about me too. There’s a kind of ‘sigh of relief’ feeling when we both relax into that knowing, and just feel that sense of security, knowing that we are truly loved…and gratitude that we have been given the grace to love that way.
And then the veil comes down on you. Or maybe the veil goes up off of you, and the shadows emerge into light.
I know those shadows. I’ve seen them in myself. It would not be good for us to give them too much attention. We’ve been there before, and that hurt us, and others…. You need someone who will stand and be bold and secure when you go into those shadows, not be afraid of them. It helps to remember that your moods are like gentle waves, sometimes soothing me, sometimes a little scary with some rocks to navigate.
God grant me the strength to be strong always, and to love you with confidence.
Opening to you Gavin, is profound beyond words. This is the kind of love that brings me to my knees. I offer up prayer that it fills our souls, and heals the holes in our hearts.
Love you,
Karina
(Note scribbled sideways on the same page, dated 9/7/00)
And what about when
I am weak and my own
shadows dance-
what will happen to us then?
26 comments:
...I know those shadows. I’ve seen them in myself. It would not be good for us to give them too much attention. We’ve been there before, and that hurt us, and others…. You need someone who will stand and be bold and secure when you go into those shadows, not be afraid of them. It helps to remember that your moods are like gentle waves, sometimes soothing me, sometimes a little scary with some rocks to navigate...
That reminds me of something I found myself saying to someone in a really bizarre conversation at an ecstasy drugs house party once...
I thought this woman had hayfever, then I realized she was crying and in this far out state managed to say something that connected and it went a little like your quotation there~~
That's interesting Gledwood. I think it's a common metaphor for how to deal with various moods. Of course when there are tsunamis then we really have a problem!
I like the veil imagery, Cat. It reminded me of the bell jar that Sylvia Plath felt come down on her when her depression would hit. I think here maybe it is both--for him, it is like a veil coming down; for her it exposes the darkness.
Jennifer- I think that's a pretty accurate observation. I imagine if a person was bipolar, even 'normal' moods would feel like a veil in comparison to the euphoria of hypomanic states. States of depression probably feel more like a shroud.
..i am listening to you Karina...
i have no answers now..
i am sure .. if god wills.. i will come up one...
i am listening ... pour out your heart...:)
I think the world also lives under a veil ... and individuals at various times. I can so relate to times of shadows. Each heart can only take so much.
I have an award for you...come to my blog to get it if ya want.
N.
I like the profundity of their bond, and also the uncertainty here. With great freedom and love, comes great risk and the fear of losing it. Karin's desperately trying to be the strong one here, to be his rock, but when will it become too much? That scribbled note was a brilliant touch, Cat.
You're really pulling us deeper into these characters. Consider me hooked!! :)
Karmanna- I hope you had a lovely birthday celebration! Karina will be pouring out her heart for sure. Open ears and hearts for hearing are her healing I'm sure.
Aggie-Very well said. One has to wonder how things with individuals could be different, if the veil were off the world.
Elle-Wow! Thank you so much, I am very honored!
Sarah-I'm so glad to know you are being drawn in! I always love your feedback, you always seem to see right into the heart of the matter.
Cat - Reading these entries causes me to consider the nature of love and to wonder about the reasons we love someone. Your second paragraph is a nice definition of the love that brings that "sigh of relief."
My only fear: Karin is truly walking on eggshells here.
I noticed you had visited and wanted to tell you welcome, then I came here and saw the eggshells deal and thought
wow, I spent a couple years with that metaphor in my first years of sobriety. It felt like that, that I could crash through delicate ground and end up destroyed
so I thought I would say that.
Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings ... thanks for dropping by... love your thoughts...
Karen- I often wonder about those things (obviously since I'm writing about it), and yes, she is walking on the most delicate of eggshells!
Hi Christopher! I see you on all my friends blogs so I thought I'd come over. It was late for me, so I wanted to make another visit before commenting. I get so foggy in the night. I'm glad you mentioned that about that feeling the eggshells while strengthening your sobriety. It sounds like you have a lot of courage and strength to come through that particular tunnel. Welcome to my blog, I'm very glad to have you!
Paul-I agree with your list! I also think that love is easily confused with desire, desire, possibly to have love. I think of Titania in Midsummer Night's Dream, in the heat of Puck's spell, she 'became enamored of an ass'. All illusions shattered in the clear morning light of course.
I like how you are delving into vital questions with these characters. If only the answers were easy....
The loss of boundaries can feel as seductive and addictive as any drug. But the high of losing yourself is only matched by the crash of coming down off the high. As much as we want to be the rescuer, the safe one, the giver of the sighs, we can't do it at the cost of ourselves. We each need a helping hand with our shadows, but that reach for help can't become a desperate grab. We each must fight our own shadows, for they are truly poison.
Everyone of us has a veil, a kitchen, or an island that is just personal. We live our lives and we are among other people but we still keep part of this life hidden.
I am still waiting for what's going to happen next? It means that you are a talented writer know how to keep your readers up on their toes?
PS I did not have the "bear"post ready yet, working on it.
Jason, Great insights. It really does feel good to lose yourself in love, but only for about 9 1/2 weeks. Then, suddenly, you understand boundaries and why you need them!
Khaled, really good point! I love your metaphors and how you were able to relate this to your great kitchen poem. (Everyone who is reading, go to Khaled's blog and read his great kitchen poem! Khaled is one of my favorite poets.)
i am falling in love with Karina!
Thanks Cat for the compliment. I am truly honored to be one of your favorite poet..I still in the beginning of the road. I guess that you read the island too.
Yes indeed, and I love it Khaled.
Indeed-- what will happen to them then? This is tackling some of the toughest questions of all!
Though she appears to be unconditionally giving, is she really? Is the desire to be with someone who requires so much actually a way to prevent from having to be vulnerable herself? Is she loving herself? I worry that she is sacrificing her own needs. I hope he provides balance (though isn't that exactly what he cannot provide?)
I'm looking forward to learning much more about them.
:)
Aine, Good questions and observations all. I'm glad you will be along for her crazy ride.
Simply beautiful C.
...and when that fog horn whistle blows I've got to hear it, I don't have to fear it....
Kap, ;-) Your particular perspective makes this story particularly meaningful to me. I'm so glad to see you here. :-)
Like what you might feel with a family member, someone who just doesn’t leave your heart. No matter who they are, no matter what their mood, you still love them.
It is interesting to see why Karina things in such terms about Gavin. Seems irrational to me, not because love is ever rational, but because of their history. Very interesting. I'm looking forward to the next part.
Vesper-It's complicated at best. She knows he's crazy, and that might have caused him to misbehave in the past. She's a whole world of second chances, for now.
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