The Catalyst

The catalyst’s eye
Forges a burning cleft
As the raptor feeds
On carrion lies

The crystalline gaze
Breaks placid serenity
Sinking through the battlegrounds
And blood stained festering scars

It falls

And falls

And falls

And lands

Smack into the middle of everything

The dam cannot keep the crows back

Rippling
From the center
Gentle waves become a tsunami
Forging rivers
In the long dried
Ancient cracks
That lie
Beneath the stone

Maddening Hearts in the Last Year of Innocence, pt 5

A serial piece exploring a year in the life of a woman who loved a mad man, as told through her journal entries. You can view the entire series (in reverse order) here.



Sept 19
Media conference begins.
Not at the beach.
I have blisters on my feet because I had to wear shoes and forgot socks. Didn’t have a chance to buy more. Blisters on my heals.

Sound and vision blasting me from all the booths. It’s overwhelming. I make the rounds, hoarding freebies and stashing them in my free conference loot bag.

Looking for enchantment.
Find the magic,
Seize the moment

Cease the moment
Now sell, now buy
Beach memories
Beach longings
A black cloud over Joel’s head
Barefoot on the beach
Miss Joel, he’s gone
Body here, he’s in some other place
Surfing the perfect wave
Where am I?

The day ended, now I’m here at Bea’s, she is making a fabulous feast for her daughter. It is good to see family. I can’t remember the names of the kids. I quietly asked Silvie the baby’s name. She won’t care that I had forgotten. I come inside and pour a glass of wine.
Call Gavin. Good to talk to Gavin, good to hear him moan in response to my telling him my feelings of longing, of how good it is just to hang with him, how much I like him, just like him.

Bea thinks I’m nuts to want to be with Gavin. Maybe I am. I can’t believe what I’m feeling…Gavin, are you my soulmate? Are you? Are you missing me? Longing me?
I feel these things. Your smile, the twinkle in your eye, mmmm….

Blisters on my feet are the opposite of what sand feels like.

Want to be back at the beach!

9/21/00

Today was the equinox, and this is the first time I realized this…I wonder if it had anything to do with the funk we were all in today. Tired now, focused a lot on Joel today. Didn’t want to talk to Gavin for some reason, probably because I feel so cranky, but I called him anyway. He was UP tonight, had a good chat but felt slightly strained. Probably because I felt cranky, and I am now worried about Gavin too. Finally managed to discover that he was about to walk into a bar. Maybe part of why conversation was strained was his reluctance to part with that tidbit, juxtaposed with him wanting to tell me, not hold back. So I’m glad he told me, and I hope he behaves, and I’d be lying if I tried to cover up thoughts of Joel, not sexual though I do find him very attractive, when I think of sex, my thoughts float to Gavin, but I’m in love with Joel too. He is just wonderful, supportive, thoughtful, generous, but…he’s not Gavin, BUT it’s the equinox isn’t it?

9/23/00

I’m leaving early. The thought of going back with Joel and Larry, especially Larry was so unappealing I cried at the thought of it. Larry just looks at me and I know I have failed in his eyes. I just can’t be around that for two whole days. I’ll miss Joel tho. Something magic happened with Joel this week. I wonder what will happen with all my feelings when I return to Gavin. It’s almost as if the more time I spend with Joel, the more Gavin drifts further from my thoughts. I also know that when Gavin seems to be getting manic, I feel a wall on my feelings for him. Self protection I think, he’s not so nice when he goes UP.

So I’m sitting at the airport with Gia and Penny, waiting for the Southwest 90, 4:15 to San Francisco. Really anxious to see what happens to my heart when I’m with Gavin again…

A funny note: Last night Joel and I went dancing with the cuzzins. We had a blast and tore up the dance floor. Joel is a WILD dancer, all that hair flying every which way. Bea grabbed me in the bathroom and confided to me that Joel would be a much better choice, that I should be with him!

Joel and I decided to go have one more walk on the beach, and so around midnight we were down at Pacific Beach walking in the sand. He started talking about communication and how it was so good with ours. Then he asked me if I thought of him like one of the girls. I said, yeah, it was kind of like that. He said, well, I’m very much a guy, and you’re very attractive. My heart fell out of my chest and landed on the sand. He said he had just broken up with Susan and the timing was weird considering I JUST got with Gavin. I agreed with him, part wishing he would just throw me down on the sand right then and have me, although a bigger part of me was withholding those kinds of thoughts. Then he said that he thought that if we got together, I’d suck him dry and he’d become an emotional wasteland. Something about me just told him that.

What is it about me that makes men have that reaction? Do I have
'Femme Fatale' written all over my face?

I’m so tired I need sticks to keep my eyes open. Hopefully I can take a nap on the plane.

The Night of The Weird Thing

Our Navajo guide was resting with his back against a tree while the students laughed and gossiped, exploring friendships and newly found low notes in their tents. Gathering a moment to myself I looked out over the plains from our high perch on the sacred mountain, and let my gaze lift up to the soft blue light still present on the western horizon and, what the heck is...

“Hey, Phil, what is that thing?” I pointed at the huge point of light hovering in the clear New Mexico sky. It was way too big to be a planet or a star.

“I’ve seen that before.” Phil knew what it was. Grabbing his binoculars from his knapsack he stepped out into the clearing and took a good long look.

“What is it?” I pleaded.

“Look,” He handed me the binoculars.

“Oh my God!” I stared for several minutes at what looked to me like a huge diamond shaped space station with bars of light that were moving in a line across its front section. It seemed to have much smaller objects flying around it but I could not tell if my eyes were playing tricks.

The kids came out of their tents and gathered to see. They passed the binoculars and as each one looked, a jaw would drop and the words, “Oh my God!” would emanate quietly from wonder filled lips. Wasted attempts to get a photograph were made and awe turned to laughter as the kids analyzed the possible meanings with jokes and giggles.

The weird thing stayed there, unmoving, for 45 minutes before retreating, turning red, and fading off into space.

_____

I wouldn’t have believed it either if I hadn’t seen it for myself.

Back at school a couple of weeks later we all met again and I asked the kids to draw what they remembered. The image at the top was the most detailed version.

Have you ever seen anything that can't be explained?

Maddening Hearts in the Last Year of Innocence, pt 4

A serial piece exploring a year in the life of a woman who loved a mad man, as told through her journal entries. You can view the entire series (in reverse order) here.


9/17/00

Driving to the conference with Joel, his surfboard on the top of the car. We’re on the long and horrible highway 5 and just got back on the road after a bowl of split pea soup at Anderson’s. Joel picked me up from Gavin’s this morning and it was interesting seeing the two of them standing next to each other. Joel seems so bright, his eyes alight with fire and passion for life, and Gavin is like the dark horse, seeming calm but some kind of mischievous darkness lurking under the surface. I just wonder when it will explode.

I just love talking to Joel, it is so easy to communicate, there are no eggshells, the conversation just flows with no threatening overtones. I’m glad we decided to go to the beach, and I’m glad that Gavin doesn’t seem to be jealous and supports it. I doubt if I will be able to read this later, moving cars don’t make for legible writing, I guess I’ll stop.

9/18/00

A little sleepy today because of camping insomnia. We got to the beach last night and immediately dove into the water, soul refreshing! So good after an 8 hour ride in the grueling central valley sun. God, I didn’t realize how much I have missed the beach! Something about these Southern California waters that’s like coming home to the womb. It’s too bad I don’t like SoCal more than 20 yards inland. But the beach, oh such an aching longing to never leave the beach…

Joel and I stopped at VG's Donuts a few minutes ago and bought a huge bag full of heart attacks to munch on, and now we are down at Black’s Beach and Joel is surfing. He wants me to be his witness so I’ll make a feeble attempt at recording what I see as I see it:

Joel’s Witness:

Warm fog obscures the clarity
Sand plovers, pelicans
Misty cliffs in a U
Surround pounding waves
Joel paddles through the rough shore
Finds a calm patch beyond the surf
And waits
Like a string on a fine tuned instrument
He senses the coming of the wave
This is it!
His spirit flares as he turns and faces me
He raises his arms as if to say
“Totally Tubular!”
And turns back to the horizon
Other surfers all facing to the West
Heads bobbing up and down
What’s this?
Joel in a tube!
He dives off the board
Into the drink
He becomes a slinky dolphin
Rising up and out of the water
And in a split second, mounted
Facing the horizon
A true Pisces.
Fog thickens, he is a misty silhouette
In a golden white backdrop.
I watch
He waits
His inner strings vibrate
Again, he senses The One!
He begins to rise on the wave
Alas, not this one…
Back through the wave
He faces West again
And waits

Near me, small birds flock
Running across the sand
In little minute feet.
They stop to stick their pointy
Sharp beaks into sand crab palaces
And run off into the mist
To loot some other unsuspecting home.
The cliffs are shadowy figures
Sloughing off shrouds
As the glow through the fog
Shines to bright gold
And the sun makes its ascension
Over the Eastern hills.
The birds come running back
They are one in their motions
Until all leave and one is
Left behind, but
The three turn back
To collect the one that was left…

I catch a glimpse of Joel
He is riding a wave!
He rides for a long time
Then dives into the tunnel
He turns to me
“See? BITCHEN!”
I respond with my arm
“Totally Rad!”
A lone seagull walks by
Picking up a scrap of sandwich
Left yesterday on the beach
I drift off to sleep on the sandy bed.
Pleasant dreams of Gavin
Tingling sensations through my body
Warm and glowing from an inner
Warmth, tingling on my skin…
Awakening suddenly, I am chilled
Goosebumps on my arms and legs
The fog is lifting on the breeze
Things around me are vivid and clear
A road, a pier, the tops of the cliffs
I take a bite of my VG donut
Noticing the exponential growth
Of surfers facing West.
A seaweed covered form arrives on the shore
Dragging his board behind him.

___
Yeah, that’s Doggerel with a capital D but it was what I saw!

What an incredible day, beach beach and more beach. Fish tacos at Rubios, Gavin called, he sounds a little distant, I’m ignoring it, more beach, all day beach. Calling, calling…Me calling my soul back to life that is timeless.

Joel said he was happy to have a babe witnessing his joy from back on the shore. I am dreading the confines of the media conference tomorrow. I want to spend weeks and weeks of todays. I want to walk on the beach forever.

Gavin, you like the beach don’t you?

When Moons Fall Out of Orbit

(Image of Eagle Nebula from Hubble Space Telescope)

Adrift
A moon in a nebulae sea

Cast off
From a thousand suns

Revolves
No more around dark matter forces

Pulled
To the black hole’s edge

Vacuumed
Into a field of opposing gravitations

Reduced
To elemental atoms

Ejected
Into vast ethers of undefined space

Carried
By the waves
Of a massive
Galactic radio
Jet
Far
Into
The

F
l
o
a
t
i
n
g

N
o
t
h
i
n
g

Fission
Ignition of a virgin
Protosun glows in soft brown
Eyes of an almost stranger
Vision of unseen magnetic
Forces captive a binary system
Of glowing singularities
In a random universe
That doesn’t know
What orbit
Is

Valentine's Special: When Muses Laughed, a poem cycle

When Muses Laughed
A Cycle of Poems

1. Sonnet: The Invitation

What muse has touched the lash upon your eye?
What tender thoughts has she provoked within?
A deeper ocean there within resides,
Where muses bathe in waters warm as sin.
It’s there I saw a ghost of you swim by,
T’was just a glimpse, a play within a play,
I asked the muses then if they would lie?
And with a laugh, “Indeed we do!” said they.
With this, mistrusting everything alike,
As muses fraught with arrows leap and bound,
I’ll set the veil upon a pointy spike,
And utter hence to you in gentle sounds;
If whispered soft my pleas could warm your skin,
Let tender fingers touch where muses reign.


2. Limerick: The Answer

I sent a poor man a love sonnet
And let him set down there upon it.
He struggled for hours,
To say his not nowers,
For there on his head was a bonnet.

3. Senryu: The Resolve

Therein lies the cat,
Revealing the knead, a claw
Soft purring soothes heart

Notes on inspiration: a thank you to master sonnet writer Scott Ennis, (and let us not forget The Bard himself) for the tutelage on sonnet writing, to the memory of Dorothy Parker for the humor in cynical response, and to my cat, Marlow, with whom I am passionately in love.

Maddening Hearts in the Last Year of Innocence, pt 3

A serial piece exploring a year in the life of a woman who loved a mad man, as told through her journal entries. You can view the entire series (in reverse order) here.


ee cummings-somewhere i have never traveled. Performance and slide show by Catherine Vibert.
____

9/8/00

Today I was listening to the ee cummings poem improvisation I made for you. I remember giving you that for Valentine’s Day a few years ago. I always had the feeling ee cummings was speaking of something spiritual when he wrote that poem, but when I made that rendition, I thought of you. The power of your eyes on me…like when you walked into class that day, and sat down next to me and just looked at me for what seemed like an eternity. My blood turned to treacle and I knew then that I was hooked on you, and completely powerless. It has been like that for so many years. That poem for me explains perfectly the effect you had on me then, and still have on me now. I don’t know if that is good or bad. I think I was angry at you at the moment I made it, something about it seems angry…

I watched you from the kitchen window as you focused on your work and puffed away on that silly clove cigarette… Just seeing a look of satisfaction in your face, what a funny juxtaposition against the ever-present wildness.

I wonder what it is about you (that closes and opens) that I am so very drawn to (whose texture compels me with the color of its countries) that brings out all the sweetness I’ve ever felt for anyone (rendering death and forever in each breathing) and multiplies it by thousands…

(Nobody, not even the rain has such small hands…)


9/9/00

Oh jesus, such romantic crap. I simply don’t understand why it is that whenever you look at me, still, I forgive whatever trouble you have caused in my life, and in the lives of all the other hundreds of women you have devastated with that stupid gaze of yours. Why do I do this? There must be something terribly wrong with me. Why did God pick me to be the whole world of second chances? I don’t get it.

A thin veil of glass
Sleep,
Sleep,
It will be gone when you wake,
Love knows no separation…

9/10/00

Joel called today to talk about our upcoming camping trip at the beach before the media conference. I get the feeling he and Susan broke up. Bad timing!

Awards Season in Blogsville

These TWO!! awards have been bestowed upon my site by Vesper at Chick with a Quill Thank you Vesper, it is my great honor to know you! For those of you who may not know Vesper's work, it is high quality writing, and I highly recommend you to her site.

The Light in the Soul Award



I would like to pass it to (and I'm trying to avoid duplicating those who've received it, but if I fail in that attempt, so be it!), everyone who comes here deserves this award:





Jennifer at The Bride Wore Magenta
Scrawler at A Daughter's Diary
Khaled at Khaled Kem
AC at The Dusty Lens
Daniel at Faces, Lives...
Qualcosa di Bello at Piacere
Elle at Portrait of a Human Heart
Sameera at Sameera's Haven
Sawan at Colors of my Life
GeL at Emerald Eyes

The Superior Scribbler Award













Jennifer at The Bride Wore Magenta
Khaled at Khaled Kem
Sameera at Sameera's Haven
GeL at Emerald Eyes
Sarah at Murmurs
K. Lawson Gilbert at Old Mossy Moon
Scott at The Sonnets of Scott Ennis
Julie at The Buffaloe Pen
Jorc at Empty Garden
Rachel at The Waxing Moon

Congratulations, you all richly deserve these awards!

A Sonnet for The Three Graces

I hear the murder calling as I paint
They’re mocking me from high upon their perch
Accusing me of my misguided fate
They warn me, “Watch, you haven’t got the merch!”
I tell you now to flee from my great trees
To fly and find some other place to chat
But leave the goldfinch here for me to see
And learn to paint as delicate as that.
Ah now, I keep The Graces in my gaze
The fog beyond with subtleties of breath
On softly shifting colors do I graze
My brush in varied hues of shadowed depth.
With patience then The Graces do appear
Soft paint on paper, wetted with a tear.

To K. and Sarah, It's crow season! Thanks for the inspiration!

A Sonnet of Gratitude

Photo: 'The Witness'

For disembodied people that I love
Who wrap yourselves around me every day
That send yourselves upon the wings of doves
Into this magic place in which we play
You've catapulted me to higher spheres
To places I had no idea were there
Have challenged me in ways to face my fears
And look into the mirror if I dare
Your voices touching somber notes untrue
And softly coaxing honesty within
A transformation, seeing something new
New eyes and ears, a higher kind of yen.
My heart is open now in gratitude
For grace and beauty your hearts have imbued.

The Fabulous Blog Award

The Fabulous Blog Award has been bestowed upon my site by Elle, from A Portrait of the Human Heart, thank you for this honor Elle! It seems this is award season in the blog world! I would like to pass it on to:


Vesper at Chick with a Quill
Laughingwolf at Paws and Reflect
Khaled at Khaled Kem
Geraldine My Poetic Path
Aine at Life is Beautiful
Jorc at Empty Garden
Riversoul at Silent Recollections
Scrawler at A Daughter's Diary
Karen at Keeping Secrets
Rachel at When the Dogs Bite

Maddening Hearts in the Last Year of Innocence, pt 2

A serial piece exploring a year in the life of a woman who loved a mad man, as told through her journal entries. To read in sequence, click on "Maddening Hearts" in the labels section on the right side of this blog.



9/5/00

Gavin,
You played me a song, about walking on eggshells. I’m sure there was a lot more to the song, but that was the phrase that grabbed me. I wondered whether you felt as if you were walking on eggshells, or you were feeling like the eggshell, being walked over. In a sense, I did fall into feeling like I was doing that at the end of the weekend. I could feel the thin line you were walking, and my own fear of having my heart stomped on, and broken by you, again.

There is a level of comfort that I slip into with you that is beyond compare. A sort of feeling of fatalistic submission and a sense of freedom that goes along with that. Like what you might feel with a family member, someone who just doesn’t leave your heart. No matter who they are, no matter what their mood, you still love them. I feel that way about you, and at times I think maybe you feel that way about me too. There’s a kind of ‘sigh of relief’ feeling when we both relax into that knowing, and just feel that sense of security, knowing that we are truly loved…and gratitude that we have been given the grace to love that way.

And then the veil comes down on you. Or maybe the veil goes up off of you, and the shadows emerge into light.

I know those shadows. I’ve seen them in myself. It would not be good for us to give them too much attention. We’ve been there before, and that hurt us, and others…. You need someone who will stand and be bold and secure when you go into those shadows, not be afraid of them. It helps to remember that your moods are like gentle waves, sometimes soothing me, sometimes a little scary with some rocks to navigate.

God grant me the strength to be strong always, and to love you with confidence.

Opening to you Gavin, is profound beyond words. This is the kind of love that brings me to my knees. I offer up prayer that it fills our souls, and heals the holes in our hearts.

Love you,
Karina

(Note scribbled sideways on the same page, dated 9/7/00)
And what about when
I am weak and my own
shadows dance-
what will happen to us then?

A Forest Walk

With steps of a bear
I enter
Arboreal gates open
I walk, honored
By mycelium carpets
Laid under my feet

You breathe in my darkness
Through fallen leaves and branches
I rise upon your breath
And emerge
On the wings of a bird

____

Note on the painting: I have been trying out different techniques to mask out the trees while I paint the background. On the last painting, I used tape, whereas in this painting I used masking fluid. The result is different, and I'm not yet sure which effect I like better.

Maddening Hearts in the Last Year of Innocence, pt 1

A serial piece exploring a year in the life of a woman who loved a mad man, as told through her journal entries.

Labor Day 2000,

New journal purchased while puttering around with Gavin. It feels good after all these years of sneaking around, pretending not to care too much, to finally actually get to be with him. After the night he raped me back in '97, I was sure it was finished and I was through. I’m so glad I finally decided to contact him again. The fact that he found out that he is actually bipolar really explains a lot. He seems more self assured, and doesn’t seem to want to play games anymore. I guess the meds have helped him stay out of institutions. I’ve never really agreed with the idea of ‘meds’ but since I’ve known Gavin now for 6 years, and most of them an extreme roller coaster, I can see that they help him. He is calm now, and able to love.

A new era,
A new journal
New dimensions to explore,
Abundance,
A sense of grace…

A new journal picked
With Gavin by my side
Strange, but true
Gavin returns
My heart begins
To burn once more
Perchance, to heal?

Old wounds run deep
Will we kiss the deepest crevasses of them?
Will you stand tall
And face the dark shadows?

If I hold your hand
Will you face the shadows?
Will you help me face mine?
I love you…

For the love of blogging

Sometimes I have to rebel from my blogging addiction because I start to get mouse arm. You know that one, right? My solution is to go and paint. You would think I wouldn't be able to paint since it is the same arm after all, but amazingly enough, I can! In fact all the aching from too much computer use seems to be transformed as my mind and body slip into 'painting mode' which is really like an altered state of consciousness altogether. Merging with the creative force is excellent meditation...

Note to self: Paint daily.

It probably also helped, of course, that the day before painting this, I went out into the woods and walked, thereby inspiring the painting. In fact, now that I think about it, the exercise also might of helped my arm. Hmmm...

Note to self: Exercise daily.

I will need to consider and be mindful of my time on the computer, and balance it out with other things. In fact, I was just staring out at the future vegetable garden of my back yard today, and thinking that soon I will be planting, maybe getting a few chickens...

Note to self: Get out of doors regularly and tend to the land.

In fact, I think I will go outside now and sow the poppy seeds so that Spring will call me out of the house when she comes...

Note to bloggers: Cat is outside and will return some time in the near future.