Monday, August 25, 2014

Want Ad: Wound to Your Knife


Want Ad:

Nutcracker Female Seeking Single White Male:

Only pretty faces need apply. Must think of self as akin to Jesus, walks on water, could be a pillar in the community, well respected, stands out in the crowd. exhibits a stroke of genius, might be erudite, a fount of knowledge. Once involved, must make diminishing comments about everyone, be hyper-evolved and above the crowd, employ vulgar honesty with an intent to reduce trust, be self effacing for effect, reveal self loathing tendencies, must not feel empathy or acknowledge anyone else’s emotions, be cruel with belittling comments but sweet so no one is really sure. Must instill fear and use passive aggressive, button pushing, tactics to elicit others to express the seething undercurrent of rage you feel. Must act oblivious to own deleterious effects.

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I don’t want to be hard on myself, but I feel the need to process and reprocess here, now that I am seeing this little drama for it’s flip side, which is me. And perhaps I’ve been indulging a victim mentality about my tendency to attract crazy people into my life — my own inverted narcissism, which has kept me a little blind over the years. So I’ve read and read and read over the last few weeks, about narcissism, borderline, and bipolar disorders (all are represented in my relationship history), and I have come to one conclusion, I need to heal whatever it is in me that wants that guy. Not just wants him, craves him like a drug. If there is truly a deep chasm of a void in me that is so desperate to be filled, why do I keep trying to fill it with poison? 

Lately, I’ve been wondering why my choices in relationship almost always are that guy. I do see my dad in there, and I know that’s a hot potato. What it comes down to, I’m a rescuer. Not really, because I’ve never rescued anyone or anything and would do far better to rescue myself than to keep trying to rescue people who find rescuer types to be the wound for their knife, so to speak. But I see people that seem so great on the outside, but seem to need some kind of healing, and I am drawn in like a moth to flame. I hid it well over the last 6 years living way out in the middle of nowhere and dealing mainly with my dad. It helped me quite a bit, to live with my dad and see his issues for what they were, him, not me. And I learned to deal with him when he had a cruel or abusive streak, I would just get up and walk out of the room. So that helped.  

Imagine my surprise when the first guy I dated after all those years, turned out to be imbued with the very same flavors! And of course I saw it in the first few minutes of talking, we always see it… it’s that we see it, and although we don’t like it, we somehow think we can fix it, and we want to try. No, want is the wrong word, we feel utterly compelled to try. While normal, healthy individuals are walking away in the other direction, we are inviting these nuts into our lives and our homes.

And then we wonder why?

If you see yourself in this, please read this incredible article by Shari Shrieber, and remember, it’s time to focus all your nut cracking and empathic healing skills on YOU.
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