Sept 19
Media conference begins.
Not at the beach.
I have blisters on my feet because I had to wear shoes and forgot socks. Didn’t have a chance to buy more. Blisters on my heals.
Sound and vision blasting me from all the booths. It’s overwhelming. I make the rounds, hoarding freebies and stashing them in my free conference loot bag.
Looking for enchantment.
Find the magic,
Seize the moment
Cease the moment
Now sell, now buy
Beach memories
Beach longings
A black cloud over Joel’s head
Barefoot on the beach
Miss Joel, he’s gone
Body here, he’s in some other place
Surfing the perfect wave
Where am I?
The day ended, now I’m here at Bea’s, she is making a fabulous feast for her daughter. It is good to see family. I can’t remember the names of the kids. I quietly asked Silvie the baby’s name. She won’t care that I had forgotten. I come inside and pour a glass of wine.
Call Gavin. Good to talk to Gavin, good to hear him moan in response to my telling him my feelings of longing, of how good it is just to hang with him, how much I like him, just like him.
Bea thinks I’m nuts to want to be with Gavin. Maybe I am. I can’t believe what I’m feeling…Gavin, are you my soulmate? Are you? Are you missing me? Longing me?
I feel these things. Your smile, the twinkle in your eye, mmmm….
Blisters on my feet are the opposite of what sand feels like.
Want to be back at the beach!
9/21/00
Today was the equinox, and this is the first time I realized this…I wonder if it had anything to do with the funk we were all in today. Tired now, focused a lot on Joel today. Didn’t want to talk to Gavin for some reason, probably because I feel so cranky, but I called him anyway. He was UP tonight, had a good chat but felt slightly strained. Probably because I felt cranky, and I am now worried about Gavin too. Finally managed to discover that he was about to walk into a bar. Maybe part of why conversation was strained was his reluctance to part with that tidbit, juxtaposed with him wanting to tell me, not hold back. So I’m glad he told me, and I hope he behaves, and I’d be lying if I tried to cover up thoughts of Joel, not sexual though I do find him very attractive, when I think of sex, my thoughts float to Gavin, but I’m in love with Joel too. He is just wonderful, supportive, thoughtful, generous, but…he’s not Gavin, BUT it’s the equinox isn’t it?
9/23/00
I’m leaving early. The thought of going back with Joel and Larry, especially Larry was so unappealing I cried at the thought of it. Larry just looks at me and I know I have failed in his eyes. I just can’t be around that for two whole days. I’ll miss Joel tho. Something magic happened with Joel this week. I wonder what will happen with all my feelings when I return to Gavin. It’s almost as if the more time I spend with Joel, the more Gavin drifts further from my thoughts. I also know that when Gavin seems to be getting manic, I feel a wall on my feelings for him. Self protection I think, he’s not so nice when he goes UP.
So I’m sitting at the airport with Gia and Penny, waiting for the Southwest 90, 4:15 to San Francisco. Really anxious to see what happens to my heart when I’m with Gavin again…
A funny note: Last night Joel and I went dancing with the cuzzins. We had a blast and tore up the dance floor. Joel is a WILD dancer, all that hair flying every which way. Bea grabbed me in the bathroom and confided to me that Joel would be a much better choice, that I should be with him!
Joel and I decided to go have one more walk on the beach, and so around midnight we were down at Pacific Beach walking in the sand. He started talking about communication and how it was so good with ours. Then he asked me if I thought of him like one of the girls. I said, yeah, it was kind of like that. He said, well, I’m very much a guy, and you’re very attractive. My heart fell out of my chest and landed on the sand. He said he had just broken up with Susan and the timing was weird considering I JUST got with Gavin. I agreed with him, part wishing he would just throw me down on the sand right then and have me, although a bigger part of me was withholding those kinds of thoughts. Then he said that he thought that if we got together, I’d suck him dry and he’d become an emotional wasteland. Something about me just told him that.
What is it about me that makes men have that reaction? Do I have
'Femme Fatale' written all over my face?
I’m so tired I need sticks to keep my eyes open. Hopefully I can take a nap on the plane.
18 comments:
This quiet turn of events. I am not going to speculate anything and I will be patient and wait. I will keep my opinion for next posts until some of the events unfold.
I just start to see the personalities getting slowly unwrapped.
You're so cute Khaled! I am so glad you're along on this journey :-) Of course I do welcome questions that might need answering as I continue in the writing process, so don't let me discourage you if find something that is just glaringly calling you.
A nice read!!! But, as Khaled KEM wrote, I need to wait to see a few things unfolded to understand it completely.
A good post!!!
Very interesting - wow! What's up with Joel? Was he just testing her or something? I don't know - I think she has some real issues of her own to face here. Coming around tomo. for a second read.. Love the reality feel of this...great writing, Cat.
Cat, this has been a crazy day and I am exhausted, so I will come back and read this again tomorrow. But I am getting a better sense of her now-some of the blanks are starting to fill in. Especially illuminating to see her through Joel's eyes!
Sounds an intriguing threesome going down here. Who will it be?
Brosreview-Hello! Welcome to my blog, and I'm glad you're reading along. Glad to know that the story is making you curious about what is coming next, that is good feedback!
K. Personally I don't think it was so nice of Joel to say that to her, and I think it shocked her. She definitely has issues of her own!
Jennifer-It's interesting writing this way, in little sequences where the journal is the voice. Things come up like how to say this, and how to reveal that, and backstory, etc. I'm glad that this post revealed a little more of her to you. By the end we may all be wondering which is the crazier one of the two. Not sure...
Aggie, yes, at this point she is definitely of two minds. You'll get your answer in the next post.
I found these entries absolutely compelling. Their fragmented nature were like brushes of paint flirting with the whole. A little bit of mystery and darkness is putting faith in the reader. I, for one, am patient even in my impatience to know more. ;)
BUT it’s the equinox isn’t it? My favorite line. Yes, the balance is almost there. But of course, there's no real doubt of which way she'll lean.
Hi Sarah! Yes, the story description at the beginning of each post does kind of answer that question, eh? :-) I'm glad you mentioned the fragments. It's interesting because a lot of journaling is fragmented by its very nature, and I get torn between wanting to get very descriptive, or to keep it more journal like. So it is very good feedback for me to hear that you think it works as fragments. Having to think about how to get the info out to the reader is causing me to consider all kinds of creative ways to write in a journal, more of which will come later. I'm so glad you're along Sarah my friend.
Sorry...I just had to add something that I was thinking last night.
Them's some sexy legs.
:)
(Seriously, I love that photo!!)
Sarah, INFP's take shots like that one when they are cocooning at the beach. :-)
I love Joel's line about sucking him dry and his becoming an emotional wasteland. I wonder if he's taking the offensive because he can sense that she doesn't really want him anyway?
I have to agree with Sarah about the form. The fragmented entries lend verisimilitude to the entire story.
Although it's hard to realize at the time, feelings have nothing to do with the people we project them on. They have everything to do with us. Our bodies make them. They're not like radio waves being transmitted into us like a receiver.
I feel for her, because she's not torn between two people. She's torn between parts of herself.
Karen- Good point! A self protection of his own. And probably a worthy one. She was pretty confused, I don't think being with Joel would have fixed that.
Jason-You are so good at calling a spade a spade! That is exactly her issue, and one that she will slowly come to realize. A futile dream, and Joel is right, if he got with her a that point, she undoubtedly would have caused him a great deal of pain. Joel is a lot more like she is, possibly even her same personality type. She sees herself in Joel, she sees intrigue and mystery in Gavin. Both of those things carry a lot of passion for her.
Good Morning Cat. Oh. I am simply loving this hot-heart serial of yours - more please.
Good morning to you Cynthia! I'm glad you are enjoying it, I promise there will be much more! ;-)
Joel is the day, Gavin the night - BUT it’s the equinox isn’t it?
Cat, I love this series very much. It has an incredible true feeling, I almost feel bad as if invading someone's privacy by reading their journal.
Vesper-I love that! Joel is the day, Gavin is the night. That is so perfect! I'm very glad to know you are enjoying this.
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